Redefining Christmas

This episode looks at Christmas through the eyes of young people who have experienced homelessness or are estranged from their biological families. 
Imagery of 'togetherness', 'family' and 'happiness' are impossible to escape at this time of year so three former Centrepoint service users share their memories and tips for surviving, redefining and even enjoying the season.

NB. This episode was recorded on Zoom and has some digital drop out in places.

If you are struggling this Christmas, there are organisations to reach out to such as:
https://www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/find-help/i-need-urgent-help/ 
https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/
 

Transcript

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The podcast from centre by young people for old people centre point is the UK is leading youth homelessness charity. At centre point, we believe no young person's life should be defined by homelessness. We give young people the support they need to heal and grow no matter what. for over 50 years, we've been the centre point for change, personal and political. Everyone has their part to play with young people leading the way. This podcast has been created by young people with lived experience of homelessness will be shining a spotlight on some of the issues that affect us. We hope to challenge and change some of the stereotypes and bring others with us as part of a movement to end youth homelessness for good. This podcast was recorded on Zoom due to the Coronavirus pandemic. Welcome to point made the new Centerpoint podcast by young people for all people. I'm your host Jamie, a former resident at Centerpoint. On this month's episode of point made, I'll be talking to two former residents about Christmas, we shine a light on how to embrace your own version of Christmas through difficult times. Why forcing Christmas can be more damaging and how to make this time of year magical no matter what your situation. So without further ado, let's meet our two panellists Zinnia and Dale. Hi, everyone. I'm Dr. Telogen oz. I am an excellent point resident. I was sofa surfing for few months and I came I came several points services years ago. Since then I have considered lesser use less and graduated first class degree and recently won an award for education. Amazing. Well Dr. Dale, thank you so much. Yeah. And we also have another young panellist called Zinnia. Would you like to introduce yourself? A Zinnia centerpoint. Volunteer, I've been involved with Centerpoint for about six coming up seven years. I received float and support from them for about five years from being a volunteer your sense. And I'm your host, Jamie. I'm also Centerpointe ex resident and I now run workshops to help young people in services currently to conquer their goals and create healthy living. What does Christmas mean to you guys? For me, I think I'd say before my experience of homelessness, Christmas was a time for the whole family to gather together particularly around my grandma which was like the matriarch of our family. So to play the whole family they can the extended family would have around her house, or a similar family member, I've seen the stats and we would get around them. Since my expense of homeless and stuff Christmas has been a very tricky and difficult time of year for me it's always quite a sensitive time of year for me because my experience of homelessness started around the Christmas period around the same week of Christmas when I was made homeless. So since then, it's always been a challenging time of year for me particularly in the lead up to it when often I remember the first few years often getting the questions like you took the you're always going to be doing for Christmas are you spending it with that was always like a very challenging question for me to like process and not knowing I suppose what I was going to be doing for Christmas or where I was going to be staying it was gonna be spending it with what I would do on the day I was able to get gifts, all that sort of stuff all the kind of typical stuff expect around Christmas, for me was suddenly a very triggering question. So waste going so now as I find it quite, although it's not as raw the feelings anymore, I feel quite I find it quite difficult sometimes, you know, in the lead up to Christmas to so do you feel like around this time of year you kind of think about the memories of when you first came into the space and what you know what was going on around that time? Do you think that that resurfaces pretty much every year? I'm not sure I'd say it resurfaces old memories but I suppose it puts into my forefront of our mind that I suppose the lack of conventional family lack of like the typical parameters most people would enjoy so having your parents and your siblings to spend Christmas we might not enjoy that kind of Christmas anymore. So often this time of year is like the reminder that I don't have that I'm not going to be in during Christmas way. It's advertised on TV, etc. Yeah, I can obviously completely understand. I can just really remember the same feelings of like, really yearning for that connection and the Family love and like, you know, remembering old Christmases that I had in the past that, you know, were filled with excitement and joy and gifts and food and all of the things that this day this holiday is meant to to kind of represent. Its ner Do you have anything else to add about that? Christmas for me literally just means people forcing other people to be the same. Because I hate Christmas. And I didn't know what Christmas was until I got put in foster care when I was nine years old. And my foster carers tried to force me to do Christmas. It didn't feel like they weren't my family. And I've never done Christmas before. So it just made me hate Christmas. And every year, they'll try and force me and every year I'll hear even more. And when I had my daughter, and I wanted to spend Christmas with her, for the first time ever, I actually wanted to do a Christmas. But my foster carers ruin that and kept my daughter downstairs and told me to stay in my bedroom. And if I left over in the police, so they completely shattered my hopes of ever having Christmas with my daughter. Because after that, she ended up getting adopted and stuff. So when I left my foster carers and stuff, I would just stay in my house literally on my own every Christmas, my friends, and that would try and force me to do Christmas. And I just ended up having a go at them because I was told them to stop trying to force me to do something I don't want to do, just because you just do it doesn't mean I have to do it. And eventually now, I've chosen who my family is, I've got my best friend, my younger sister, and my partner. And they're literally the only ones I need in Baba to do Christmas for me sorry to head as in. And I can relate to a lot of what you're describing. In terms of the pressures we experienced around Christmas, I think that's probably an expectation around what Christmas should look like for all of us and what we should be doing. Often the way Christmas is spoken about. If you aren't doing it the I suppose the box where everyone is doing it for Christmas, or sup you're almost doing it wrong, or you're you're not as worthy as everyone else has been during the day or something like that as if you make it makes for less than often. And so I completely understand, I often feel the same in terms of not enjoying Christmas to other people. Because let me tell you, or if I spend it with someone that isn't my biological family, I will sometimes have shame around it. So similar to you, I've started I've chosen to go with my found family and people that are close to some of my closest friends or waste I had to do a few years ago is a few days before Christmas, or in the lead up to me, I spend it with my siblings, and siblings Christmas, what we call it. We do our gift exchanges then and then on Christmas Day, I'll do whatever I feel really sorry to hear that. But I can completely relate. Yeah, I just think it's important to have these kinds of conversations because I do feel like in the media, and you know, in society and things that are represented in our world don't really cover these kind of stories of the reality of like, what people are actually going through, I feel like we see two sides. It's a advertisement of companies really like buy, buy, buy, buy, buy this Christmas, just like really shoving Christmas in your face. And then you have, you know, the other side of it, where there's charities and you know, where there's other kind of money making schemes that are like, these poor people don't have any one this Christmas, donate to us. And you know what I mean? You see, like the complete polar opposites and there's never like, Okay, well, you know, for your average day, I feel like people are kind of struggling to put meals on the plates for their kids and they're struggling to like, get all of these presents that no one needs that no one's gonna use again in three weeks. You know, How amazing would it be that we could give the gift of love this Christmas without actually buying anything for anyone? You know, How amazing would it be to say to your friend, you are like just an amazing person. You're killing it. I'm so grateful to have you in my life. Like that's a gift like when's the last time you said that to someone you know? Like, I feel like these are the kinds of things that I want to be be bringing to Christmas. I think you make a really important point at the beginning of what you're saying around when not the average pupil and then what you were saying we spend on that. I think we people experience homelessness aren't the average person but also the way Christmas is advertised as very few people experience Christmas in that person. nuclear family way. So most people aren't going to have the huge Christmas tree with a tonnes of gifts, every single person in the house, they're not going to have the big Christmas dinner because they can't afford it, or they don't have access to it. So beyond just us as people who have experience home, so there's many, many people that don't get in break Christmas, and advertise their typical way. So not everyone is going to have that great Christmas every year with you in love to be around. Some people got him his family, but hate being around family, I think the whole meaning of Christmas is gone. Because like, the Christmas I've heard about is where you're like you spend it with people doesn't have to be your family. But like people who classes family, and just like sit around with hot chocolate, watching a movie together, having a laugh, and just spending time with the people. It's not about the presence and stuff. But now it's all about presence, and who's got the most expensive gift and all that stuff. So I don't think Christmas is true to what it used to be. It's just all about money and presence and don't look forward to it every year, like, I've got a thing where if my sister, my friend want us to do Christmas, then they have a real, they pick one gift that they really want. And I'll get it for them. But they only get that one gift. I'm not going to go by in the multiple things because it's not about the presence, I'll go to there's four day, I'll sit and have a meal with them, I'll watch a movie with them, I'll have a laugh of them. I'll give them their one present. And then that's it. I think that as a Christmas is still although it's again, not the advertisers save. That's how you want to spend Christmas and that's absolutely fine. That should there should be no debt one that sounds great Christmas is going the way you want family and that sort of thing. So I wouldn't feel any shame or anything attached to that it's a great husband. And similar to you, I do Christmas differently. Ray Ray do something on the day I do something I said I'd do something with my siblings a few days before after, or and then on the Christmas Day, I might spend it with a friend that I'm really, really close to where I know that I'm quite close to their family as well enjoy Christmas together in the conventional way, and I don't think many people do it that way to be honest. I always spend do, I'll see my friend and my sister before Christmas. But Christmas stays just for me, I'll sit at home with my cats. And watch a movie like I turned my phone off for the entire day. Because I just want to be left in peace on Christmas Day. Like I'll see them beforehand and and Christmas Day is my dear. It's like my my relaxed my pamper day where I'll just chill and be like closed off from the world. I really liked that vinyasa, I feel like as well, that's probably a really good an important message for young people that might be in a hostel and experiencing Christmas alone this year, or just not in their ideal place that they would like to be for Christmas this year. If you know you just have a pamper day to yourself, it is just another day in the year really and like not allowing the pressure from society or anyone else to land on you. Around this time is probably the best way to kind of look after yourself and your mental health. So yeah, I think that's a really, really good point. equally to the and youth, we don't want to spring Christmas in the in the traditional way, that was great. But equally, if you do want to don't like you have to sacrifice that just because you don't have the circle of family. As Zinnia mentioned earlier, though, you can enjoy Christmas with your found families. So for me, that's some really close friends for a few years now that have similar experiences to me, and my siblings, I'd often spent with them or do something related to something around that time with them. But there's also a number of organisations out there such as charities and like grassroots that do, um, Christmas celebrations for people who have experienced homelessness or extreme from their families. So one of them that I know of is called exists loudly, which does Christmas for black queer people and like strengthen their families and stuff. And there's a number of organisations that do that around the Christmas week. So whether you want to spend Christmas in the traditional way or not enjoy it the way you want and know that there are many options available. Thank you so much, Dale. That is yeah, really, really amazing and important advice on top of that as well. If you are, I suppose going to be alone during Christmas for me, especially in the initial Christmas years, it was very, very hard for me to manage that time of year. And what I would do was make my some of my really close friends aware of Like how difficult would be for me because they were new my situation. So what they would do, they would arrange phone calls with me during that day or video calls, or one of them offered, I never went through with it. But one even offered to meet with me later in the evening once it finishes Christmas dealing with family and stuff. So there are definitely ways of navigating that difficult time and just know that you aren't alone. Reach out to your chosen family or chosen friends. Or if you are still within central services or any other youth homelessness related service or similar any sort of service like that, not their support available out there to you. If you are going to be spending Christmas in the hospital, I encourage you to speak with your key work or when you have a staff that you're really close to. So for me, I first got set aside which was my key work as well as the receptionist there. So I made them quite aware that Christmas is gonna be quite time for me. So they opted to ring your crystals, they just told me and that really lifted my spirits and they just know that no, actually, although it was a really challenging day for me, I was gonna be spending I'm gonna didn't want to spend it with those other people out there that were looking out from your net worth caring about. And I suppose in a very cliche way, I still got to enjoy the Christmas spirit or having that loving warm family around you might not be the stereotypical biological family or typical friends. But I at the moment I definitely considered my key worker and the hospital my chosen and found families. The podcast from centre by young people, for all people. Do you want to tell your story because I saw that in the chat that you left a comment saying you have a positive story. Not really like a story. But on Christmas day when I when I do spend the day on my own. I also know that did my daughter who who's adopted she's nine now. And she's having a fantastic Christmas. And I get letters every year telling me how she's doing. So the tell me how she's doing on how a birthday when and every Christmas, she gets so spoiled and she gets so excited for son. And she loves often in a presence and stuff like that. And even though I hate Christmas, it still fills me with happiness, because I'm knowing that my daughter is getting the Christmas that she deserves. And I'm glad that she's getting to experience that with her adoptive parents, because it was something that I never got. And I was glad I'm glad that she's getting to experience that. Yeah, that's a really, really beautiful thing to be able to read letters and stuff like that from from your daughter on Christmas Day. And just to be able to catch up and keep in touch with what she's doing and stuff was really, really beautiful gift to receive, I think for sharing that. Yeah, thank you so much. Thank you. I was just like thinking back over the years of like Christmases that I spent with like my family and stuff kind of before I moved into the hospital, I moved out when I was really young. So I was like 16 When I moved into the hospital. And I lived there until I was like 22. And then like, I obviously haven't been home ever since really, other than when I was a child. I can't really remember having any super like positive experiences of Christmas at home just because my childhood was was really chaotic. And there was you know, lots of things at play, there was addiction, there was mental health, there was arguments and fights between my siblings and my parents and all of those kinds of things. So it was never really like plain sailing, but that kind of just goes for anything. You know, I feel like, you know, if you live in a dysfunctional family, you can't just expect everything to pull together for one day. Like, if you can't, you can't get things to pull together for one life. You know what I mean? But I did have a really amazing Christmas with one of my best friends a couple of years ago. She knew that like I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do. And she was really, really kind and she said come and spend Christmas with us and she's like family to me anyway. And, you know, friends, our family that you choose, I truly believe in that comment. And so, yeah, it was a day of cooking of playing games, of reading books, laughing and joking with children. And just like dancing, playing music and all of the normal things. I truly felt like I belonged to a family that Christmas and I truly do believe that you can spend Christmas in any way that makes you feel good. The Christmas period for me right now is making myself up Project like, I'm literally looking at my year, you know, we're coming up to the end of 2021. I'm looking at my year, I'm looking at the goals I've achieved. I'm really strategizing and re planning and rerouting where I see my life going and what I want to do in the next year. So I'm dedicating the month of December to prioritising myself, and growing my skill set becoming more knowledgeable and just like giving thanks for my own life. You know, I think that's really great. That sounds amazing. I think more people should take on that advice of just being the way you want to spend it in the way you want to. And to be honest, Christmas doesn't even need to be a significant day for you, it can just be any other day of the year. And not everyone celebrates online just as a particular significant date. So if it's nothing for you, it's nothing for you don't feel pressured into doing away or being around particular people and that they enjoy it wherever they want to or not enjoy it, or just make it be another day of the year for you. But I also wanted to share a really positive I suppose. It's spirit or journey of mine through my spirits bombers, as well my closest friends now actually met in the hostel in my first year live in Los so she's one of my closest friends now. And I spent several of my Christmases with her and her family actually. And those were the most memorable, most enjoyable Christmases have ever had. Some of the gifts I've gotten during those Christmas have been the most like meaningful ones I've ever gotten. Like someone that truly knows your friend truly knows us get in your present that is actually meaningful to you, as opposed to just getting really expensive walked up and really random because it's a Christmassy gift. And I wanted to share that. The your experience of homelessness might be challenging and really difficult and pressing really hard at times. But there's some positives that definitely come out of it. And for me, one of those really huge positives is having one of my making one of my closest friends now, and having her as part of my chosen family. Many of Avianca will have similar stories of me and friends long after they've left the services. Me in that press. I've been friends for what going on seven years now. Yeah, that's really, really beautiful. Dale, thank you so much for sharing. Yeah, they say if you known someone for seven years or longer, then you're more likely to know them and the rest of your life following on from that point about the positives that come from being in a situation like that. We're like human beings. So we we thrive off of our challenges, we have to go through stressful situations to find our strength and our perseverance. So the character that you'll build, if you don't let certain things break, you will be unmatched. So if you're going through the dark times, now it will pass it doesn't last forever. And when you do overcome it, you will be unbreakable. I'm somewhere to make a comment, or like on that kind of thing. Because I'm always a bit cautious when people say things like that, because it's a great message to hear. And I do definitely believe in some circumstances, what doesn't like destroy you does like lead to a lot of growth, but equally as like, it's okay, if it doesn't. And I think we should definitely add that in there somewhere like not everyone's expensive promises not going to be a great experience and not going to take some massive growth journey out of it. Sometimes it'll just was horrible. And they wanted to forget. And that's equally fine, too. Yeah, I think I was saying more in terms of like a skill set. Do you know what I mean? Like I'm not knocking what you're saying that I'm conscious of. I love hearing as well. I'm just constantly that there's going to be sung to young people on their journey. This might be their first Christmas they're spending by themselves or without family and stuff. There's a young man that I'm speaking to. This year, he's experiencing homelessness. I've been me and a colleague of mine had been supporting him with his journey. So yesterday, he actually messaged us about what we normally do for Christmas. And if we have any advice about how to spend Christmas, then he's not looking forward to it. And he's right now he is only just like the prince of homelessness, that for him is not a positive experience. There's nothing coming out. And I think it's important to like let people sit in that room rather than sometimes pushing people to be in a great place similar three, how we say we should not force people to experience in the same way everyone else is 100% Like, I feel like you know, going through homelessness probably forced me to look at myself a lot more and 100% gave me skills like Survivor skills that I wouldn't have had and I feel like I could be in any part of the world or in any situation and basically sort myself out from that. And I don't think that I would have had that if I hadn't gone through homelessness but again, Like, even though like I'm 27, and things are going well for me now relatively, I still go through depression that probably stems from those experiences in the past that still resurface. And I still have those days where I sit in that sadness. And, ya know, if someone was to come to me and be like, Oh, it's fine. I'd be like, you don't know the half of it of what I'm going through. Do you know what I mean? So 100 was and I, it's okay to sit in your sadness. The podcast from centre by young people, for all people. So alright, guys, it's time to wrap up this conversation. I've really enjoyed speaking to both our panellists today. And on a final note, I would love to hear from both of our panellists what your message to young people in services would be this Christmas. My Christmas message to people this Christmas is to just do Christmas the way you want to do it. Don't let people tell you how it should be done. Find the strength, and just celebrate it the way you want to celebrate it, because you'll feel so much better doing it the way you want to. Amazing, thank you so much. Zinnia. I completely agree with that. And yeah, you make a really, really good point. So thank you. And Dale, I'll pretty much echo the same as Zinnia. To be honest, spend Christmas the way you want to. Don't feel pressured into doing it the traditional stereotypical way or doing it with a nuclear family, or with your biological family. Do it with your chosen family if you want to collaborate. Again, you don't have to celebrate Christmas, and not all of us acknowledge Christmas significant date of the year. So do what you want that day essentially do what's best for you. If you do want to spend Christmas in the traditional way or and celebrate as close to the traditional way as possible. But there are options available to you. Even if you don't have access to the traditional network. You can do it with a chosen family, which is friends or whoever. Whoever you consider family said earlier there are organisations available out there for you if you want to spend Christmas with people or the young people within the centre point and other similar youth homelessness services that will be having a similar experience. And you can always network and connect with them to know that you aren't alone. This time of year. There are many of us many, many of us that are struggling this time of year. It's a very difficult period for a lot of us and we'll get through it. Yeah, amazing. Thank you so much, Dale. And I guess my Christmas message to people would just be that if you haven't been told recently, you are so worthy. Inhale deeply and go forward strong. That was such a super insightful episode. And I'd really like to thank all the young people involved in this month's episode of point made. And thanks to all of our listeners for your continued support. Catch you back here in the new year, May 2022. be full of joy and hope. If you want more information, then visit our blog at www.centerpointe.org/blog. Don't forget Centerpoint offers free advice via the centerpoint helpline to anyone aged 16 to 25. who is homeless or at risk of homelessness. Call us free on Oh 808-800-0661 We're open Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm you can also leave us a message on our website at www.centerpointe.org.uk/youth homelessness slash get help now. The podcast from centre by young people for old people